Enjoy the honey-heavy dew of slumber:
Thou hast no figures nor no fantasies
Which busy care draws in the brains of men;
Therefore thou sleep’st so sound.
Until some twit parks their car in your hedge, that is...

Hello everyone, and welcome to the latest instalment of tales from the riverbank.  Or perhaps that should be wails from the master bedroom?  Ma and Pa were rudely awoken this past Sunday morning when a dozy fisherman neglected to park his car securely before wandering off to manhandle his rod in the Eastwood Farm nature reserve next door.  The end result was that his car decided to wander off down the slope, finishing not ten feet from Ma’s fragrant head.  Ma wasn’t sure whether to be angry at the damage done to her bush, or because of the interruption of a dream involving the pursuit of a fireman around the garden, several litres of French dressing and a garden hose.

So she might have been forgiven if Sunday morning breakfast had then been something of a fraught affair for the visiting throng, but no, the only eggs broken were the ones thrown at the fisherman when he arrived to inspect his handiwork.  In fact, Ma’s breakfast on that day was notable for the fact that news of its quality has spread far and wide, with one family flying all the way from Australia to sample her fantastically fabulous fry-up!

Shawly not...
And now, it’s time for the crime report.  Feral gangs of youths intimidating respectable folk into staying at home, British Waterways lockeepers still under threat of being evicted, the ongoing popularity of Coldplay...all will these pale into insignificance when you learn that the stock of Beeses shawls has shrunk to just two!  Now, you may hear Pa Beese suggesting that seeing pretty young ladies shivering in their light summer dresses has a couple of interesting points, but this will probably be followed by the sound of a crack around the back of his head and a swift retraction.

So, if you’ve taken advantage of a kind offer to take a shawl for the journey home and have somehow forgotten to return it to Ma, the management have agreed to announce a shawl amnesty, during which the surreptitious return of shawls will be discreetly overlooked.  Of course, Ma is sure that no-one in receipt of this irregular missive would be guilty of such a dastardly act, and it’s probably one of your untrustworthy friends that is responsible (I know, it will be hard to pick out just one...), but if you can turn out your sock drawers, boot cupboards and porn stashes, Ma might be persuaded to hold off from introducing a deposit scheme for the shawls.  So get hunting!

Dressed to kill
Those of you who have been coming to see us for a while will know that we try to keep the menu fresh by putting on specials when we can.  The latest variation on our standard fare was dressed crab, which was available last weekend for the risible price of £8.95.  Unsurprisingly, they all went, so if you’re thinking that you know our established favourites by now, look out for our summer salad specials throughout July and August which Ma and Tom our cook promise will let your taste buds and stomach feel like it’s summer (hey, at least the rain has been warm!).

The kids are alright
Beeses has always been a family-friendly place, and although we haven’t done much in the way of entertainment for our younger patrons, all that changes in a few weeks when a swashbuckling pirate hero visits Beeses with many a yarn and lots of surprises in his sea chest (a-haaarr!). On Wednesday 30 July, Captain Barnacle will be teaching us how to be a good pirate (unlike Blackbeard who keeps trying to kill our gallant hero).  We have been warned to look out for the sea monster, and that many of the tales feature wee, sick and poo, all of which has got Pa very excited!  He’s been told he has to sit at the back and keep the noise down, although he’s pretty much used to that sort of advice, and your little ones can join him for the princely sum of £2.50.  This includes a soft drink, and the action starts at 3:00 p.m., with Act II following at 4:15.  Tickets are on sale at the bar now, or they can be purchased over the phone with a credit card (with a minimum order of £5.00) or by sending a cheque made payable to ‘Beeses’ to our address.

The tide is high
Well, it will be over the next few days, so the Conham Ferry service may be interrupted for a short while on some days if the Avon gets a little too fierce.  Despite the showers that we’ve had this week, we don’t think this will make a significant difference to the height of the water, but you should be prepared to wait a little while during the following periods (all timings are approximate):

Friday 4 July 9:00 - 10:30 p.m.
Saturday 5 July 10:00 - 11:30 p.m.
Sunday 6 July 10:30 a.m. - midday

In the next exciting instalment, we’ll have ticket details for the third Beeses Beer Festival (newer subscribers can check out the report of our last beer festival), plus all the latest news of whatever else life on the river has thrown at Ma and Pa.  And don’t forget we've got live music on Friday night with the mighty Rattlesnake Shake - it’s sure to be beard-tastic!

Lurve

Ma and Pa Beese
Beeses Bar & Tea Gardens
www.beeses.co.uk
www.myspace.com/beeses
Tel: 0117 977 7412